Sooo..... Umm.... Happy New Year and some junk....

I pretty much fail lately at doing anything related to my poor little blog here... I have had the best of intentions! But after being busy busy busy at work all day, going to the gym, figuring out what to eat for dinner, showering, and spending a whopping 30-ish minutes with my husband before he has to take a nap before working all night AGAIN... Sitting down and writing a post is generally one of the last things on my mind.

What about weekends, you may ask... Nope. Busy doing things that don’t involve sitting in front of a computer. Things like being pretty much totally awesome at archery...

B.T.Dubs – I have wanted to learn to use a bow WAY before Hunger Games ever existed. Although I do find it really awesome that there is a huge rise in the number of young girls that want to learn because of Hunger Games and Brave.... I love seeing all the littles at the archery range getting lessons.

Except for when I have an epic fail moment because I wasn’t paying attention to my arm position after I had them increase the weight of the draw on my bow... It’s aversion therapy. I haven’t done it since...

So I realized that last Friday was exactly one year from my first meal on Nutrisystem. I still remember my first experience with that scary dehydrated hamburger that caused much whimpering and fear... That I actually ended up liking! One year ago I was miserable with how I looked and felt and had decided to FINALLY stop whining to myself and actually DO something about it. I never thought I would have made it to my goal and be where I am so quickly. I thought maybe I’d be getting closer to where I wanted to be a year later... But, nope. I made it. Not just made it... I ROCKED it.

 Those used to fit. Crazy. And I can fit both legs in one leg of the pants....

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I really had fun shopping. There is nothing better than handing the size 6 pants over the changing room door and asking for smaller ones. It was cause for much proud smiling at myself in the mirror and much dancing while waiting for the woman to come back...

 A handful of my favorite new clothes... I have a lot more color in the new wardrobe than I did before! 

Slightly different size now....

  

For the first time I'm not self-conscious in pictures... We had the Stanley Cup down at our office and I was no longer afraid of jumping in for a picture with the King’s Ice Girls.

And I have spent a lot of time staring at this picture wondering how it is possible that I am actually slightly smaller than these girls!

And the cup, of course...

 Everyone kept yelling at me to actually kiss it, but there was NO WAY I was going to actually touch that thing with my face.

It really is a weird thing to look so different. I still forget sometimes – like it is just a dream. But then I look in the mirror and remember, “Oh yeah! This is real!” I still see myself the same in my head. I read once that our brains are approximately one year behind the truth of what we actually look like – I’m really hoping mine catches up soon.

There are some random thoughts that I have been having lately regarding weight loss:

- NOTHING fits from before. I just had to buy a new helmet for offroading because my old one is too big now... My rings were too big, my necklaces hang longer now... I even had to tighten my shoelaces!

- I am SO COLD! How do skinny people live like this?! I have to keep slippers by the bed and I have blankets everywhere! I don’t leave the house without a jacket and a scarf and I live in SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA!

- How do I gain fat just in my arms? I get that having more muscle than fat in them means that there isn’t padding there anymore, but I really HATE that my veins stand up on top of the muscle. I don’t want to have gross veiny Madonna arms!

- A couple weeks ago I had a sinus infection. That was the first time I was actually sick with more than just a cold in a YEAR. I guess a by-product of getting healthier weight-wise was getting a stronger immune system! Plus, I only got a sinus infection – J got bronchitis... Normally that would have been me.

- I really enjoy shocking people with my weight loss – like some of the newer people in my office or the guy at the store when I bought my helmet. Someone will say something about my weight loss or I’ll make a joke about how stupid it is that I have to buy a helmet because I lost weight and that inevitably leads to the question of how much weight I lost. I think they are expecting something like 15 – 20... maybe 25 pounds. I don’t think they ever expect to hear “almost 90 pounds.”

- Speaking of which – I REALLY need to go the DMV to get a new picture taken. As fun as it is to get the quadruple-takes from people, I’m sick of seeing my old face on there.

- Still on the same train of thought – I have had people walk right past me without a hint of recognition on their face... A lot of times it takes having J next to me for it to trigger who I must be... It’s just bizarre.

All this process has taught me is that whining and wishing will never get you what you want. You have to stand up and fight for it. Nutrisystem made it so that I could do this with as little thought or stress as possible. It took the thought and the work out of it. All of the tools are there for you including a great support system on their site. I still go on there all the time to provide support and encouragement for the people that are where I was a year ago and to see the progress of the people that I grew attached to during the past year.

I still order food there because it really just makes life easier – I’m really down to just getting the Nutrisystem food for lunch and a few other things that I really like that make for quick, easy meals when I need them. I am using what I learned while on the program to keep everything balanced and so far I have stayed in my little 4 – 6 pound “happy range” even with the holidays and all the delicious food!

I am learning that it is ok to have the things I love like ice cream and burgers and all the delicious things I missed while dieting, I just have to make sure to adjust my day so that they fit into it. For example: if I don’t go to the gym, I watch what I eat more closely. BUT - if I eat a lighter breakfast and lunch, I can have chocolate... haha It’s all about finding the balance and not getting crazy. I refuse to spend the rest of my life without cupcakes because cupcakes are awesome. But I adjust everything else to make them fit occasionally!

I still track everything I eat so that I can keep it on my mind. I know if I just stop paying attention, I will start slipping. It’s a lot easier to stay on top of 5 pounds than 50! I don’t start stressing about fluctuating back and forth in my happy range or even if I weigh higher than it for one week – if I start seeing it stay high for longer than that, then I really crack down and tighten up the menu. It’s gotten kind of second nature – I know what proper portions are and I know how to make the things I want work occasionally...

And if I can do this, anyone can. Cause I’m SUPER lazy. Just sayin’.

My Random Thoughts - Gym, New Clothes, FOOD, Rings...

During my little “weight-loss journey” I’ve had going on over here, I pretty much just worked out at home. I have my mountain bike hooked up to a trainer that turns it into a stationary bike and I would ride that when I got home from work. I started at 20 minutes and by the end had worked up to 45. As I have gotten closer and closer to maintenance, I realized more and more that that was not going to be a good long-term thing to do – I get REALLY bored, REALLY quickly. I have a nice set of wireless headphones so that I could watch tv while riding, but still... It made my butt numb and I was BORED.

So as I said before – I re-joined the gym. My company gives a discount to 24-Hour Fitness, so that is where I went... In my past few weeks of gym-ing it up, I have noticed several common occurrences and have made a list of....

Things that make me crazy at the gym:

1. People that drive around for 20 minutes to get a closer parking spot! STOP IT! You are at the gym to work out anyway - start it off by walking an extra 20 feet!!!

2. People that take the elevator to the second floor of the gym! The only two people that I have seen at my gym that should be allowed to use the elevator are a man with cerebral palsy and a man in a walking cast because he tore a tendon or something... No one else should be using it! And when you get off the elevator and head straight for a cardio machine, it makes me want to knock you down!!!

3. Men that GRUNT like possessed demons and look like they are going to get a hernia while lifting weights that are obviously too heavy for them. No one is impressed...

4. People that apparently aren't there to sweat... I've been dripping with sweat, pushing myself as hard as I can on the elliptical while a guy on one side of me has it at incline and resistance of 1 (OUT OF 20!!!) and the guy on the other side is barely moving while talking loudly on his cell phone... I really had to stop myself from reaching over to #1 guy's elliptical and bumping up the incline and resistance. He looked fit enough to be able to handle it.... But I didn't.

5. Men that feel the need to stare at your crotch while you are using the thigh machines.... Dude, I'm fully clothed. There's nothing to see here. What do you think is gonna happen?

6. People using weight machines as chairs. I'm here to actually get in shape and you sitting there talking on your cell phone is seriously getting in my way. If you are between sets, that's one thing, but no lounging!

7. People that don’t wipe down their machines! Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, EW!!!! Gross. Now, if you’re one of the people I mentioned above that is apparently allergic to sweat, then I guess it’s unnecessary... But if you are sweating?! Clean it up!!

8. The “bro’s” that are all about getting RIPPED. But apparently only their upper body... They have skinny little chicken legs and arms so big I assume they are not able to wipe their own butts properly. Why do they do that?

That’s all I can really think of.... There are other annoyances that don’t really happen a lot – like the woman that was saving the machine next to her for her friend even though it was the only one of that type left and there are a few machines that have had “Out of Service” signs on them the whole time I’ve been going there – but those are just minor...

I’ve been having a lot of fun shopping lately. I finally realized that I don’t really need to be a smaller size than I am now, so I am slowly going to start adding foods to my day in order to stay where I am instead of continuing to lose weight. I haven’t yet.... But I’m going to. (Remember the whole “scared to stop dieting” thing? Yeah... Still with that...) I’ve been adding in a meal here or a meal there that is a “flex” meal on my own... Like this past weekend I made myself a super yummy breakfast sandwich one day... and then had my first turkey sandwich in MONTHS the next day for lunch. It was wonderful.

That is what I have been working for... To learn how to eat what I want – just in a healthier way. I even ate both fast food and a burger from Ruby’s. The fast food was only 2 regular tacos from Del Taco and the burger was the low-carb burger, so my calories were still right in line both those days... The burger was by choice – SO delicious. The fast food was a necessity – we had been out and about all morning, it was well past lunch time, and I was STARVING. And it was actually a good thing because it showed me that the food I’ve been craving actually doesn’t taste as good as I have built it up to taste in my head...

I’ll have to post some pictures of my new clothes... I have been getting so many compliments at work. I just need a few more pieces (really just a couple pairs of work pants and some more work tops) and I will have a pretty solid wardrobe. It’s weird to pull out all of my old clothes to throw them in my “donate” pile and see how much bigger they are than my new stuff...

I took my rings to our jeweler the other day to get them sized. I was starting to get really nervous about potentially losing them. While they are there, she is going to make my second wedding band, retouch all of the engraving and beading on my engagement and wedding ring, and size an emerald/diamond ring I had bought for myself a couple years ago. J is also getting some cuff links made and picking up a couple other pairs of cuff links.

 Fits – just on the wrong hand!! Have to have it sized up for my right hand...

It was REALLY bittersweet... I’m excited to have my rings back (and complete – FINALLY!), but it hurts my heart to not have them on my hand. J could tell that I was getting more and more bummed about my naked hand, so he got me an inexpensive ring to wear while the work is being done.

 It’s pretty.... But it’s WRONG.

I don’t know exactly how long it’s all going to take – she couldn’t even order the castings for my other band and J’s cuff-links until yesterday because of the holiday on Monday... I just know that I will be jumping every time the phone rings for the next month – hoping it’s Pamela telling me my rings are done...

The Thing That Keeps Me Up At Night

**This post is some serious mental garbage – just trying to clear the crap out to relieve the stress... So it’s probably gonna be kinda jumpy and rambling... Hang on and just go for the ride... ha!**

Stressy McStresserson.

That’s me lately.

And for the stupidest reason... I’m getting close to my weight-loss goal and I’m afraid to stop my diet! It seriously gives me major anxiety to know that soon I am going to be responsible for actually paying attention to food and keeping my weight where I want it.

It’s so dumb. Tons and tons of people watch what they eat and maintain a normal weight everyday... It shouldn’t be so daunting. But when you’ve spent too many years overweight and unhappy, you start thinking that you will ALWAYS be overweight.

Then you finally make a decision to actually DO something about it and HOLY CRAP it freaking works! But now what???

One voice in my head is super excited about getting to eat normal food again... But then the other voice in my head that makes me doubt my ability to maintain properly starts screaming FATTY FATTY FAT FAT!!!!

I know I can do this! I have to. I am just so scared of being one of those people that ends up back on the Nutrisystem Boards a year later talking about how they gained it all back and then some....

I have a plan in place in my head to stay on top of things... Once I get to the weight where I decide to stop, I have a very strict “If I gain 5 pounds, it’s time to buckle down” plan in my head. I figure that 5 pounds would be significant enough that it’s not just some sort of daily fluctuation / bloating and actually something that needs to be dealt with. No more willful blindness and unwillingness to admit that there is a problem. Get on it and put a stop to it before 5 pounds becomes 10 becomes 20......

And I also am stopping at a lower weight than I originally planned because I don’t want that 5 pounds to bump me back into “Overweight” BMI range. I am just barely into the normal range and technically I could stop here... But I don’t ever want to be overweight again. I’ve wasted enough time being someone I’m not. People have started telling me that I should stop – that I don’t need to lose any more weight. And while that may be true-ish (I technically am in the healthy weight range for my height/age), I don’t think another 5 – 10 (or maybe 13...) pounds are going to hurt and they will definitely make me breathe easier when I’m trying to figure out maintenance.

I seriously think that I must carry weight well – I don’t think people would guess what my highest weight was – or even the weight I was when I started doing Nutrisystem... And I am beyond happy that I seem to lose it fairly proportionately. I know that I look completely different now – even if my brain doesn’t always want to admit it... I have always hated my legs – my thighs and calves are just too big. I am never comfortable in shorts. And even though I know they are smaller than they were – I can’t help but hope that the remaining weight I lose all comes from there! I am happy with my face, my lack of extra chins is pretty great, and I have a pretty cute shape... “The girls” may have gotten a little small for my liking, but that’s ok, I guess... I would have looked pretty silly if they had stayed as big as they were...

The thing I am most excited about is getting new clothes.... I am SO sick of feeling like a hobo. Almost everything I own is too big. Especially my work clothes... I hate having to belt my pants down to keep them from falling off! Yeah, that’s awesome, but it sure looks dumb. And it makes me feel like I look bigger than I am... The only things I have that really fit are one pair of jeans (that are starting to get a bit too loose once they stretch out after being washed), a handful of t-shirts that I’ve bought myself because I don’t mind if t-shirts end up a tiny bit baggy after the last bit of weight loss, a hoodie/jacket I got because my other one was HUGE, a couple sweatshirts, my workout clothes, and my yoga pants that I wear as jammies... And that’s about it. Everything else ranges from “slightly baggy” to “ridiculous.” I’m literally going to have to start fresh. I’m talking from underwear on out... And I CANNOT WAIT. Three words that make me incredibly happy: ALL NEW CARDIGANS!!!! I love cardigans – they just work with everything!

I am planning on making a day of it at an outlet mall and building me a whole new wardrobe to go with the whole new me...

 See? Shiny new me – new bangs and everything!

And I recently got a gym membership again because I was getting really bored with riding my bike at home and knew that that wasn’t going to be a good long-term routine for maintenance. I need more variety... And I really want to do some weights to be more toned. I want me some “Michele Obama” arms! I’ve gone to the gym right after work every day this week and it’s been great. A lot of wonderful “people watching” to distract me while I’m running my butt off on one of the elliptical machines or pushing myself on the weights... I’m hoping to just build a routine of being healthy to keep this all going...

**Funny side story – my first time back at the gym the girl at the front desk had to check me in and set me up for the self-check-in system... When I handed her my driver’s license, she did a pretty good quadruple-take and shouted “HOLY CRAP!” Yeah... I guess I need to go get a new picture taken... It was a pretty good laugh and a fantastic ego boost...**

So... I really need to just figure out when I want to start phasing out the Nutrisystem foods... Do I wait until I am actually AT my goal or do I start now while I am finishing up?? I could always start right now by trading one meal a day with something on my own and stretching out how long the box of food that I just got lasts... Or I could stay purely on-plan until my next shipment and THEN start switching over while keeping the Nutrisystem as my security blanket in the pantry... Or I could do this box purely on-plan and not get another shipment – just cut it off and use the extra lunches and dinners that I have accumulated as my security blanket...

Or I could just go bury my head under my pillow and pretend I don’t have any decisions to make...

Ugh. And now I’m stressed again.

Randoms.... (Again)

- Finally got my hair cut last weekend. I always go for about a year after donating my hair before I am willing to allow scissors near it again... What?! It is SCARRING to cut off that much hair at one time! Even if it is for a good cause!!

  Shorter bangs. Now if I could just stop touching them and making them look greasy half-way through the day........

- I got some super sparkly Sally Hansen nail polish strippy things because I like sparkly things... I’m kind of like a magpie that way...

 So very festive – it’s like a party on my nails.

- We’ve been watching a lot of Doctor Who lately. I kept hearing about it, so I decided that I wanted to see what it was all about. Now I’m hooked. And I cannot stop laughing whenever the Daleks are on the screen. Seriously – they have plungers and paint rollers (without the brush on it) for weapons and have you seen them fly??? So awkward. We’re about two and a half-ish seasons into it and I am loving it. I just have to say – if the entire crowd doesn’t disappear during the opening ceremonies of the London Olympics, I’m going to be very disappointed.

 See? The most awkward killing machine of all time ever. Photo from here. 

- I have a Dalek shouting "EXTERMINATE" as my text message notification right now and it makes me jump every time! I want to get one shouting "DO NOT BLASPHEME" instead, but haven't found it yet...

- I am super excited that Hell’s Kitchen and Masterchef are back. I can’t help myself – I love watching Gordon Ramsey yell at people. Although I was very frustrated with him the other night when he yelled at the guy for pairing duck and bananas. He need to take a trip to our favorite restaurant in Dana Point, CA to Gemmell's Restaurant and talk to Chef Byron. Duck and bananas go beautifully together!

- The diet continues. Slowly but surely..... Down – hold on... Gotta do some math in my head here... Not exactly my strong suit anymore... – 47.5 pounds. I still have another 20+ pounds or so to go. Maybe more, maybe less... I have a number in my head, but I may aim for lower or I may be happy with higher... We’ll see. All I know is that I am never going back there again.

- The water heater and windows WERE NOT my birthday present! Yay!! J got me a GPS for my quad. I also got the milk bottle measuring cups from Anthropologie that I’d been wanting, a book of Japanese cat fashion, a pen shaped like a cat, fun nail polishes, a cute tote bag, and a butterfly in a jar – among other things. The butterfly is not real – but it flits around in the jar when you touch it and scares the bejeezus out of people in my office when they look at it.

 

No butterflies were harmed in the making of this jar.....

 SO cute! Photo from here.

- Went to see Hunger Games on my birthday. It was pretty good. I was expecting.... I don’t know... Just more, I guess. I don’t know how to describe it. I wasn’t unhappy with it... I guess that’s good enough. We also went to see The Avengers that weekend. It was AWESOME. I was cracking up through most of the movie. If you go see it, stay until after the credits – it may not be a long clip, but it was worth it.

- I got myself gummy vitamins. Because apparently I’m a 5-year-old... I kept wanting them and then remembered that I am an adult that can buy what she wants, so I got them. They are delicious.

- I’m getting kind of bored with riding my bike each night... I kinda sorta maybe want to start running, but I don’t want to wake up early and it’s too hot in the evening when I get home from work and I wish I could run on the track at the high school by my house because it’s nice and level and there are creepy bushes on the bike path by my house that I swear a homicidal maniac is gonna pop out of and.... About eleventy billion other excuses. J says he wants to start running too... I keep telling him we can go together... Hasn’t happened yet. We’ll see.

- I got both seasons of The Monkees on DVD. I am so extremely nerdtastically excited about this. I really don’t know what took me so long to buy them!

So.... yeah. That’s about it. I could use a nap (3 – 5 hours of sleep would be a “nap”, right?) and I wish I had more time to read, but otherwise things are good.