The Thing That Keeps Me Up At Night

**This post is some serious mental garbage – just trying to clear the crap out to relieve the stress... So it’s probably gonna be kinda jumpy and rambling... Hang on and just go for the ride... ha!**

Stressy McStresserson.

That’s me lately.

And for the stupidest reason... I’m getting close to my weight-loss goal and I’m afraid to stop my diet! It seriously gives me major anxiety to know that soon I am going to be responsible for actually paying attention to food and keeping my weight where I want it.

It’s so dumb. Tons and tons of people watch what they eat and maintain a normal weight everyday... It shouldn’t be so daunting. But when you’ve spent too many years overweight and unhappy, you start thinking that you will ALWAYS be overweight.

Then you finally make a decision to actually DO something about it and HOLY CRAP it freaking works! But now what???

One voice in my head is super excited about getting to eat normal food again... But then the other voice in my head that makes me doubt my ability to maintain properly starts screaming FATTY FATTY FAT FAT!!!!

I know I can do this! I have to. I am just so scared of being one of those people that ends up back on the Nutrisystem Boards a year later talking about how they gained it all back and then some....

I have a plan in place in my head to stay on top of things... Once I get to the weight where I decide to stop, I have a very strict “If I gain 5 pounds, it’s time to buckle down” plan in my head. I figure that 5 pounds would be significant enough that it’s not just some sort of daily fluctuation / bloating and actually something that needs to be dealt with. No more willful blindness and unwillingness to admit that there is a problem. Get on it and put a stop to it before 5 pounds becomes 10 becomes 20......

And I also am stopping at a lower weight than I originally planned because I don’t want that 5 pounds to bump me back into “Overweight” BMI range. I am just barely into the normal range and technically I could stop here... But I don’t ever want to be overweight again. I’ve wasted enough time being someone I’m not. People have started telling me that I should stop – that I don’t need to lose any more weight. And while that may be true-ish (I technically am in the healthy weight range for my height/age), I don’t think another 5 – 10 (or maybe 13...) pounds are going to hurt and they will definitely make me breathe easier when I’m trying to figure out maintenance.

I seriously think that I must carry weight well – I don’t think people would guess what my highest weight was – or even the weight I was when I started doing Nutrisystem... And I am beyond happy that I seem to lose it fairly proportionately. I know that I look completely different now – even if my brain doesn’t always want to admit it... I have always hated my legs – my thighs and calves are just too big. I am never comfortable in shorts. And even though I know they are smaller than they were – I can’t help but hope that the remaining weight I lose all comes from there! I am happy with my face, my lack of extra chins is pretty great, and I have a pretty cute shape... “The girls” may have gotten a little small for my liking, but that’s ok, I guess... I would have looked pretty silly if they had stayed as big as they were...

The thing I am most excited about is getting new clothes.... I am SO sick of feeling like a hobo. Almost everything I own is too big. Especially my work clothes... I hate having to belt my pants down to keep them from falling off! Yeah, that’s awesome, but it sure looks dumb. And it makes me feel like I look bigger than I am... The only things I have that really fit are one pair of jeans (that are starting to get a bit too loose once they stretch out after being washed), a handful of t-shirts that I’ve bought myself because I don’t mind if t-shirts end up a tiny bit baggy after the last bit of weight loss, a hoodie/jacket I got because my other one was HUGE, a couple sweatshirts, my workout clothes, and my yoga pants that I wear as jammies... And that’s about it. Everything else ranges from “slightly baggy” to “ridiculous.” I’m literally going to have to start fresh. I’m talking from underwear on out... And I CANNOT WAIT. Three words that make me incredibly happy: ALL NEW CARDIGANS!!!! I love cardigans – they just work with everything!

I am planning on making a day of it at an outlet mall and building me a whole new wardrobe to go with the whole new me...

 See? Shiny new me – new bangs and everything!

And I recently got a gym membership again because I was getting really bored with riding my bike at home and knew that that wasn’t going to be a good long-term routine for maintenance. I need more variety... And I really want to do some weights to be more toned. I want me some “Michele Obama” arms! I’ve gone to the gym right after work every day this week and it’s been great. A lot of wonderful “people watching” to distract me while I’m running my butt off on one of the elliptical machines or pushing myself on the weights... I’m hoping to just build a routine of being healthy to keep this all going...

**Funny side story – my first time back at the gym the girl at the front desk had to check me in and set me up for the self-check-in system... When I handed her my driver’s license, she did a pretty good quadruple-take and shouted “HOLY CRAP!” Yeah... I guess I need to go get a new picture taken... It was a pretty good laugh and a fantastic ego boost...**

So... I really need to just figure out when I want to start phasing out the Nutrisystem foods... Do I wait until I am actually AT my goal or do I start now while I am finishing up?? I could always start right now by trading one meal a day with something on my own and stretching out how long the box of food that I just got lasts... Or I could stay purely on-plan until my next shipment and THEN start switching over while keeping the Nutrisystem as my security blanket in the pantry... Or I could do this box purely on-plan and not get another shipment – just cut it off and use the extra lunches and dinners that I have accumulated as my security blanket...

Or I could just go bury my head under my pillow and pretend I don’t have any decisions to make...

Ugh. And now I’m stressed again.

"Just Keep Swimming"

Ok, I know I said that I wasn’t going to making this all about Nutrisystem and losing weight, but that’s really what’s going on in my life right now... So here’s an update since I’m a week in as of tonight...

I got my first shipment of food last Wednesday – it was a huge box and totally took over the pantry. I was really excited to start trying it, so I went to the grocery store and got the fruits and veggies and other stuff that I am supposed to supplement it with.

 And that's just the breakfasts and lunches... The dinners and desserts are in another cube... And the giant pixie stick? In the trash..... haha But my Orbit Sweet Mint Gum? A pack of that is with me at all times... It tastes like those pink, green, and yellow butter mints... Mmmm...

The first night for dinner I had the one thing that I was the most skeptical and scared of seeing as how none of the food needs to be refrigerated or frozen... The hamburger.

I bought sandwich thins instead of buns to have all the sandwich-y things on because they fit into the plan and was mentally psyching myself up for what I would find when I opened the packet... The horror. I didn’t remember to take a picture – I think I was too freaked out... I may or may not have had a hint of hysteria in my voice when I said “THEY EXPECT ME TO PUT THIS IN MY MOUTH?? That’s what she said....” It looked like those organic pet treats that are just dehydrated chicken or beef – because that is what it was. I stood there staring at it with a very frightened expression on my face until I finally put on my big girl panties and just got to work. To “reconstitute” the burger, you pour boiling water into its little try and let it sit for 2 minutes. I did just that and I have to confess...

It was good. Like, shockingly good... Go figure.

So far I have been pleasantly surprised with the taste of the food. I was worried that it would be like eating cardboard, but most of it has been really good! 

 My lunch the other day... Super yum. The entree was some cheesy chicken noodle thing...

I start off the day with a protein shake (of which Strawberry is TOTALLY the best flavor) and a Nutrisystem Breakfast. Morning snack is a “Power Fuel” – usually either yogurt or cottage cheese. Lunch is a Nutrisystem Lunch, another “Power Fuel” (I usually go with string cheese, almonds, or my personal favorite – edamame. Because, let me tell you – half a cup of edamame out of the shell is a CRAP TON.), salad, and another veggie. Then afternoon snack rolls around and I have a “Smart Carb” – usually fruit like peaches, pears, or applesauce... Then get home from work have dinner – Nutrisystem Dinner, “Smart Carb”, more salad, and more veggies. After that is a Nutrisystem Dessert. (And a ton of water mixed in there... Along with my beloved Diet Coke.)

You guys? I am eating all stinking day...

Don’t get me wrong with that though – it has not been easy... I have had good and bad days. I have had psychotic thoughts like slapping the container of chocolate toffee covered macadamia nuts (LOVE) out of J’s hand and laughing like a crazy person at the look on his face as they all roll around the floor... But then I have good thoughts about how happy I am that the scale is moving in the right direction...

I have been really sad when I have moments where I am hungry and just want to eat something horrible for me, but then that turns around into moments where I am really proud of myself for fighting through.

I have moments where I love the veggies I am eating and moments where I crack my friend at work up by glaring at the sugar snap pea that I am about to eat and telling it that I hate it with the fire of a thousand suns...

Add in my body detoxing from all the crap I’ve been putting in it for years and the massive headaches that has caused and it has not been a dream.

But the scale is totally moving – Down 4 pounds in the first week!

That is what makes it worth it. And the headaches are fewer and farther between... As are the cravings... I figure it will get easier as I go along... It definitely helps that I had awesome support from my bff over the weekend and from J (even if he does eat candy in front of me...) - they make it not suck so bad on the bad days... (and I may or may not have just had something in both of my eyes for a second there... hate when that happens... haha)

I try to keep Dori’s words from Finding Nemo rolling in my brain when I am struggling – “Just keep swimming.” *I don't know why videos don't want to embed anymore, but here's the link in case you don't know what I'm talking about.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmyUkm2qlhA

Because I can totally do this.

And I am gonna look ridiculously hot. Just so you know...