Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Blah just about sums up how I am feeling.

So last Thursday/Friday put me at 4 weeks late. Meaning that it was time to get the NEXT one... So I took another test - negative - and called my ob/gyn, Dr. J. She's awesome. I love her and am so glad that I finally found one I like, because it's not exactly a pleasant experience to go visit her... If you know what I mean... haha

So I get a call back on MONDAY (as if I wasn't already wigging out enough already having been waiting so long...) and set up an appointment to go there at two. Unfortunately she was down at their other office and totally booked, so I couldn't see her... I had to see a nurse practitioner that I'd never seen before... Oh well. So she violated... um, I mean, performed a pelvic exam... ;-) haha She said that "everything feels normal," as in - not pregant, and sent me off for a blood test to confirm with instructions to call her the next morning for the results and to start taking the medication she prescribed to make me start only AFTER I got the results.

So yesterday I call and leave her a message first thing in the morning... Don't hear from her... Don't hear from her... Don't hear from her. I have the patience of... Well, let's just say patience is a virtue that I was not blessed with. So I leave ANOTHER message. Still don't hear from her. So I stop on my way home and pick up my prescription so that I am ready when I get the results (provided that they are negative - this stuff can cause serious birth defects). She finally called me around 6 and gave me the news - BIG FAT STINKING NEGATIVE. As my sister says, "Fart noise, thumbs down."

I know that we weren't trying yet and that I really had reason to think that I might have been pregnant (other than the optimistic thought that condoms aren't 100% effective...), but it really hurt. I tried not to get my hopes too high, but those little suckers fly away from you sometimes. Oh well. So now I am taking the horrid medication and can't decide if my hormones are going out of control because of the pills or because I am freaking out and can't get out of my head...

Josh voiced one of my biggest fears last night when he asked, "So does this mean that there's something wrong with you ovulating?" (And just right now, typing those words made my heart feel like it was going to stop.) What if there's something wrong with me? What if we can't have kids? I know I'm only 28 (29 in a couple weeks), but what if it's already too late? What then? Will I blame him because he made me wait longer than I wanted? Will we have to go the infertility route? I really don't know the answers to any of these questions. And every one of them breaks my heart a little. I know that I am emotional and over-reacting right now. I know that I am jumping the gun and don't even know if there is really a problem, or if this is just a weird blip, but I really can't help it. If you don't want to see what an emotionally-unstable, wreck, with millions or horrible thoughts in her head right now, then go elsewhere.

I just need to get these thoughts out of my head so that I can attempt to be a productive member of society today instead of just running home and curling up in my bed in the dark like I really want to.

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